Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone
by Foul Ole Ron
Summary: Here, read my too-high rated revised version of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone
1. Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone

Hallo. Please, read and review this pointless piece of drivel. I don't want to offend anyone, I really like Harry Potter and bought the fifth book the day it came out. This 'story' could be called a parody?  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing.  
  
Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone  
  
One day there was a boy called Harry Potter. He was a small and pathetic little boy of eleven, who lived with his Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon who despised him for no apparent reason, and his cousin Dudley who gave him regular bashings. One day Harry Potter's life changed forever. The day started like any other:  
  
Aunt Petunia: Harry! Get down here at once, you little freak!  
  
Harry: Coming!  
  
(In the kitchen)  
  
Uncle Vernon: Harry! Make the breakfast! Dudley, you may continue to slouch around and give him filthy looks.  
  
(Five minutes later)  
  
Uncle Vernon: Harry! Get the mail!  
  
Harry then went out to get the mail, finding a mysterious envelope uncannily addressed to his exact position in the house. Being the unsuspecting fool that he is, he walked out into the kitchen, opening the letter, only to be set upon by Uncle Vernon and his fat son.  
  
"ARGGH," shouted Vernon, "Burn it! Burn it! Burn-" Harry made a dive for the letter.  
  
The letters continued to fly in every day until Vernon had a mental breakdown and Hagrid arrived to tell Harry that he was a 'wizard' and that his parents had been killed by an evil-psycho-maniac-sorcerer called Lord Voldemort. After Harry realised that Hagrid was not on drugs, he happily went of with the complete stranger who told him to go to a platform that, as far as he knew, didn't exist. He was to board the 'Hogwarts Express' and travel to 'Hogwart's school of witchcraft and wizardry'. It just shows how desperate Harry was that he followed the orders of the big giant and proceeded to 'platform nine and three quarters'. By happy chance, he met up with our other red-haired hero and actually made it onto the platform. The train journey to Hogwarts was as follows:  
  
Ron: Hi! I'm Ron Weasley, and I'm poor. Who're you?  
  
Harry: Harry Potter  
  
Ron: You're not serious! Oh. My. God.  
  
Hermione: I am a prissy little muggle-born who thinks she's bloody wonderful.  
  
Harry and Ron: Right on!  
  
Malfoy: I am going to take an instant dislike to you, Potter. It would just be going against my principles to be nice to you.  
  
Harry and Ron: OK then.  
  
Harry also met Fred and George, Neville, Crabbe, Goyle and several others that are too unimportant to mention. Upon his arrival at Hogwarts, Harry was sorted. After hearing much discrimination about Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw and Slytherin, Harry was predictably sorted into the we're-just-way-too- perfect-for-you Gryffindor house. It was like this: Ravenclaw took the smart ones, Slytherin took the evil ones, Gryffindor took the brave (perhaps foolhardy is a more appropriate word here) ones, and Hufflepuff took the rest, the discards. Too bad if you're a Hufflepuff.  
  
After the blatant waste of good food that was the feast, Dumbledore put in his usual meaningless two cents, and Harry and Ron went up to their dormitory.  
  
Seamus: I am here but I am inconsequential.  
  
Dean: I also am here. I like drawing.  
  
Neville: Being slightly more significant than Dean and Seamus, I will now utter a sentence of more than seven words.  
  
The next day they had their first potions lesson, where they met our greasy haired friend, Professor Snape, for the first time.  
  
Snape: Potter, you little turd, I hate you so much. Now, I will ask you some obscenely difficult questions that I know you can't possibly know the answers to.  
  
Hermione: I know sir; ask me, I know everything!  
  
Snape: eugh. just be quiet Granger.  
  
Hermione: But.  
  
Snape: I SAID SHUTUP  
  
And Harry knew he had made a mortal enemy.  
  
The next memorable occasion was Harry's first flying lesson. As per usual, Harry was stared at and whispered about by all his class mates.  
  
Neville: *Falls off broom and has to go to sick bay*  
  
Madame Hooche: Don't you dare fly unsupervised or I'll kill you. I'll be back in a minute!  
  
Malfoy: I'm just so bloody good at flying that I think I'll indulge in some unnecessary cruelty and hide Neville's rememberall in that tree over there.  
  
Harry: Wicked! Now I get to show off my superior flying skills that I don't know I have yet!  
  
Harry and Malfoy: *show off their superior flying skills*  
  
Malfoy: *drops rememberall form height of fifty feet*  
  
Harry: *Attempts impossible dive and succeeds in catching rememberall uninjured*  
  
Rest of Class: Harry Rules and Malfoy Sucks! Harry Rules and Malfoy Sucks!  
  
To top the day off, Professor McGonagall saw Harry breaking the rules.  
  
McGonagall: Now, I don't approve of favouritism, and under normal circumstances you would be expelled. But since you're Harry Potter, you're important, and there's a big secret that you won't be told until five years from now, I'll let it pass.  
  
Harry: Dah?  
  
McGonagall: Oh, and since you're such an unbelievably good flyer, and were I in my right mind I would question how you learned, you're now on the Gryffindor House Quiddich Team. Good day.  
  
Harry: Wah?  
  
Back in the common room Ron was really rather jealous.  
  
Ron: Bloody hell!  
  
The next Day Harry was challenged to have a Duel with Malfoy. Malfoy swaggered up with is cronies, who were smashing their balled fists into their palms. His exceedingly handsome, grey-eyed face twisted maliciously into a smile. He slowly put his arm around Ron's neck and got him into a headlock  
  
Malfoy: Your weasel-ly friend is dead, Potter.  
  
Crabbe & Goyle: Yeah!  
  
Malfoy: Your parents are dead, Potter.  
  
Crabbe & Goyle: Yeah!  
  
Malfoy: Your dead, Potter.  
  
Crabbe & Goyle: Yeah!  
  
Malfoy: SHUTUP YOU TWO  
  
Harry: Um.Ok then. Well I'll just be over here if you need me.  
  
Ron: Harry.where are you going? Harry? HAAAAARRRRRRRRYYYYY!  
  
Further along in our story, Harry was making one of his nightly escapades through the castle when he bumped into a large and strategically placed mirror. Seeing his dead parents in the mirror soon became something of a drug for Harry, and, unfortunately, when our young hero was just teetering on the brink of madness, Dumbledore decided to step in and deal with the addiction. And although the headmaster's methods may not have been approved by the muggle's State Education Office, or even Argus Filch for that matter, they certainly worked. Harry was soon back on his feet, and (in a slightly bruised condition perhaps) rearing to go. (At some point before this event it is important to note that Harry and Ron became friends with Hermione)  
  
And of he went. Harry was soon back on the rails and fighting fit. He played quiddich disgustingly well, he exchanged insults with Malfoy, he served detention, he transfigured, he concocted, he charmed and he herbologised, and he did what Harry Potter does best: he suspected.  
  
Ron: Hey, you guys, don't you think it's mighty strange that Snape has a chunk bitten out of his leg exactly the same size and shape as the jaws of the deranged three-headed dog that Hagrid has guarding that Philosopher's Stone in that forbidden corridor?  
  
Harry: Yeah, I know what you mean. And don't you reckon it's quite odd that that dark shape I suspect in the back of my mind might have been Voldemort that I saw in the forbidden forest was drinking unicorn's blood in a very shameless way, almost as if he had nothing to lose?  
  
Ron: Hmm, yeah.if Voldemort took the Philosopher's Stone which gives you eternal life, it would counteract the unicorn's curse. Hmm.sounds a bit far- fetched to me.  
  
Harry: Yeah. And then there's also the fact that I saw Snape in the dark forest as well, and that hooded guy who convinced Hagrid to tell him how to get past Fluffy. Probably nothing. Anyway, what was that homework we had to do for McGonagall.  
  
Hermione: HARRY, RON! THAT'S IT, YOU HAVE IT!  
  
Harry'n'Ron: What?  
  
Hermione: DON'T YOU SEE WHAT THIS MEANS?  
  
Harry'n'Ron: Er.  
  
Hermione: IT WAS QUIRREL ALL ALONG!  
  
Harry'n'Ron: Oh.right.  
  
Ron: How did you get.eugh, never mind.  
  
Harry: D'you get the feeling where not supposed to have realised about Quirrel yet?  
  
Ron and Hermione: Don't know what you're talking about, Harry, so just shut up, ok? Just shut up.  
  
So on the stroke of midnight our three heroes set out for the forbidden third floor corridor. There faces were set and grim, there wands were out and their minds were bent on the task ahead. To get past the dog, Harry simply had to play a few tuneless notes on his home-made recorder. Easy as pie. And then they were off, Ron only showing any signs of usefulness when he got himself pulverised by a giant chess-piece. Hermione's usefulness ended with her solving some riddle or another.  
  
Hermione: No, *gasp*, Harry, you go on *gasp*, leave me here.  
  
Harry: Ok then! See you.  
  
Hermione: HEY!  
  
But Harry had already passed through the wall of glittering fire, never to be seen on this world again.  
  
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.just joking, he emerged on the other side without a scratch. He then found himself confronted with that confounded mirror again! He could already feel the old cravings coming back. He tore his gaze away from it and focused on Quirrel standing on the other side of the room.  
  
Harry: So we meet again, Quirrel. Not so brave this time, are you? Haven't got your snivelling little-  
  
Quirrel: What are you talking about you stupid boy? I've never even given you a nasty glance!  
  
Harry: *slightly crestfallen* I dunno, just thought it sounded good.  
  
Voldemort: .use the boy, use the boy.  
  
Quirrel: What?  
  
Harry: That's really gross.  
  
Voldemort: .use the bloody boy, you class A moron.  
  
Quirrel: Oh, right. Anyway, back to business. You have, of course done the predictable thing and fallen into my little trap. I need you for the final stage of my plan! You are the only one who can unlock the mirror, to please the master! MUWAHAHAHAH, HAHAHAHA HA haha.ha?  
  
Harry: What are you talking about, you idiot? You didn't have any plan, I just heard Voldemort tell you!  
  
Quirrel: well.that as it may be. anyway, the point is, you have fallen into a trap, and now you will unlock the mirror and bring forth the philosopher's Stone! I would gloat more, you know, so as to give you more time to be rescued, but time's a wasting, so off you go!  
  
Harry: *Unlocks mirror and feels stone in pocket*  
  
Voldemort: .it's in his pocket, its in his pocket!...  
  
Quirrel: What?  
  
Voldemort: .the Stone, you fool, its in his pocket!..  
  
Quirrel: Stone?  
  
Voldemort: .the freakin' philosopher's stone. Bloody hell, I'd do it myself.  
  
Quirrel: Oh, right *Makes lunge at Harry*  
  
Harry: *Manages to fend off Quirrel/Voldemort off with his wondrous bravery and the fact that the touch of his skin causes Quirrel blinding agony* Quirrel: *dies*  
  
Voldemort: *flies away in spirit form to live as a small woodland animal*  
  
Harry: *Faints*  
  
Dumbledore: *gives satisfied smile and delivers Harry's body to the hospital wing*  
  
IN THE HOSPITAL WING:  
  
Dumbledore: Well, that all worked out rather well, don't you think?  
  
Harry: What the hell are you talking about? Couldn't you have just told be it was impossible to get the stone without me being there so I could have just steered clear of the whole thing?  
  
Dumbledore: Well it all came through in the end, didn't it? And you've faced Voldemort a second time and triumphed. M'dear boy, you should be proud.  
  
Harry: Are you on drugs or something?  
  
Dumbledore: *smiles benignly and waggles finger at him* Now, Harry, you need your sleep. I'll see you next term for a fresh new year!  
  
Harry: Wait, I want some questions answered. Why did Voldemort.  
  
But Dumbledore was not listening. He was already ambling out of the hospital wing, contemplating all the shining, happy faces of the children awaiting him downstairs. Ah, to be a headmaster.such a joyful job... and Dumbledore knew he was a very happy man..  
  
THE END 


	2. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

Hello again. A sequel already! This I do not own, as you already know. I hope that it is funny, and I hope the italics work! Please read and review……..

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

**The Worst Birthday**

****

Harry Potter was an unusual boy, in many, many ways. One would usually go on about how he never enjoys his birthdays, he as an abusive family, he friends don't love him any more, and all that stuff, but I am simply going to simply cut to the chase and say it: Harry Potter was a wizard (and still is a wizard as far as we know). His summer started dismal, if not slightly worse than previous years. And, as per bloody usual, he was feeling disheartened and depressed. Oh for the adventures of the previous year, oh for the near-death experiences and the sneering face of Malfoy taunting him about his dead parents. Ah, those were the days. At the Dursleys, he was forced into hard labour which would probably be classified as child abuse in different circumstances. But one day something happened to change his summer forever.

**Dudley****: I'm stupid, fat stereotypical character with no personality points other than good plain meanness.**

**Harry:** My life is a misery and my friends all hate me.

**Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia:** We wish we could get rid of you, Harry, but we're being compelled to keep you. Why? Well, you'll find out in a couple of years.

**Dudley****: Being the fat fool that I am, I will now proceed to be distressed as Harry mutters nonsense under his breath that is quite obviously meaningless.**

**Harry:** Please kill me.

**Dobby's Warning**

Then Harry met Dobby, our queer little friend the Gollum-wannabe.

**Dobby:** Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!

**Harry:** DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH, YOU INSENSITIVE LITTLE FREAK? HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO STAY _HERE?_

**Dobby:** Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!

**Harry:** WHY THE HELL NOT?

**Dobby:** _I said Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts! Dobby can't tell Harry Potter why, for plot purposes, Harry Potter will see._

**Harry:** Oh. WELL YOU CAN STOP TALKING IN THE THIRD PERSON, ITS BLOODY ANNOYING! 

**Dobby:** Dobby can see that Harry Potter is an undeserving little @^$#)(*^, but again, for plot purposes, he must warn you: Harry Potter Must Not Go Back To Hogwarts!

**Harry:** *makes growling noise*

**Dobby:** If I wasn't a pathetic little slave with big ears and a pointy nose, I'd box your ears! Don't worry; you haven't heard the last of Dobby! *crack*

**Harry:** Oh Great. Term hasn't even started yet and I'm already in the middle of some deep, deep….manure…….yeah…manure…

**The Burrow**

We are now just going to skip to the part where Harry is lying starving in his prison-bedroom, is poor tired body slowly breaking down, when…..

**Ron:** Hey, Harry! It's me, Poor Ron! In a flying car!

**Fred:** Hey, bro, Poor Fred here. How're you goin'?

**George:** It's Harry, by jove! It's me, Rich George! Our car's a simply _spiffing make, what?_

**Fred:** He won the lottery, bro. That's why he's so rich, if you know what I mean. We don't mind he won't share with the rest of the family….it's all cool with us.

**Harry:** *groan* Here we go again…

**Hedwig: ***hoot!*

BACK AT THE BURROW:

**Mrs Weasley:** Fred! Ron! How could you do this to me! I was worried sick! I am going to kill the pair of you! And then you're going to de-gnome the garden!

**Ron & Fred:** *jaws drop*

**Mrs Weasley:** Oh, Hallo George, dear, Harry dear. I'm sure it wasn't your fault. Why don't you come in and have some breakfast?

**George:** Oh, jolly good show, eh what? I'll just go and change into my breakfast things, be right back , mumsey!

**Mrs Weasley:** *bustles into kitchen*

**Fred:** That's the only thing that gets us, Harry, bro, that favouritism thing. George is totally reaping the benefits, man.

**Harry:** Yeah, ok, what ever. Anyway, Ron, I have something to tell you…

But Ron had already gone to start de-gnoming the garden, and he was not again seen for several days. In the BURROW, Harry met Ginny Weasley for the first time, and it's just as well first impressions aren't everything.

**George:** What, ho! I'm Back! What's for breakie, mother? Bacon and eggs _would _be splendid, what?

**Mrs Weasley:** But George dear, I've just made you your favourite omelette!

**George:** Oh, please mumsey, be a sport, old girl, I'd be _ever so grateful if you were to whip up some bacon and eggs instead!_

**Mrs Weasley**: Well, I suppose…

**George:** Anyway, what was I saying, Harry? Oh yes. Ginny. Harry, this is my little sister Ginny! She's starting at Hogwarts this year, don'tcha know?

**Harry:** Hi!

**Ginny:** *eek* itsss Harry Potter. I'm sssssoooo shy, and my condition issss sssssoo embarrasssssing, I think I'll be going now! Ssssssss, I mean Bye! *eek*

**Harry:** WHAT THE HELL? (Harry still hadn't got round to those anger-management classes)

**George:** Oh, well, her speech. We think it's just a phase, you know, that all ten-year-olds go through, although I don't remember anything similar myself….anyway *picks up glass of orange juice* Jolly good bash, this, isn't it?

**At Flourish and Blotts**

****

**Fred:** Come on, Harry, bro, just step into the fire man…

**George:** Yes, I say, _do_ come on old chap! Haven't got all day you know! Look, I'll go first and show you…………Tally-ho!!!!!!!!! *disappears into fireplace*

Then all that stuff with Malfoy in Knockturn Alley happens. In Flourish and Blotts, we meet good old Lockhart for the first time.

**Lockhart:** I'm so good! I'm so good! I love myself! I love myself!

**Harry**: Er…Ok then!

**Lockhart**: Come here, Harry, so I can absorb some of your fame and therefore heighten my own!

**Fred:** He is _whacked, man!_

**Malfoy**** Junior: Hey, _Potter, how were your _holidays?__**

**Harry&Ron&Hermione&Fred&George&Ginny**: SHUTUP MALFOY!!

**Malfoy**** Senior: You're poor, Weasley. I am now going to secretly slip a dangerous artefact belonging to the Dark Lord into the youngest Weasley's cauldron. I wonder if anyone will notice?????**

**Mr Weasley:** Who're you calling poor?

**Malfoy**** Senior: Nope, doesn't look like it!**

**Mr Weasley**: I'm gonna _bash _you, Mr Malfoy!

**Malfoy****: Ooo, I'm _so scared!_**

**Weasley and Malfoy:** *have a fist fight*

**Harry: **When will it all end?

**The Whomping Willow**

****

On the way back to school, Harry and Ron found an alternate route. They couldn't just take the train like normal people, could they? Oh, no, they had to be _different_. They had to take the _flying car_ didn't they? If at any point in the book they acted even more unbelievably stupid, one would like to hear it. Anyway, on their arrival at Hogwarts, they proceeded to crash the car into a giant moving tree that pummelled them soundly and smashed Ron's wand. The car then escaped into the forest (significant foreshadowing for later in the book). And really, that was all that happened. Dumbledore let them off, of course.

**Harry & Ron**: We didn't mean it, sir, _honest!_

**Snape****: I would have you expelled, but *sigh*, of course I am going to be overridden.**

**Dumbledore**: To right you are!

**Gilderoy Lockhart**

****

And so the school year started, and Harry soon again came face to face with the ludicrous Gilderoy Lockhart. The man was unbelievable. Defence Against the Dark Arts? More like How to Hero Worship Gilderoy Lockhart. Yes, anyway…

**Lockhart:**Welcome to my first lesson. I am Gilderoy Lockhart, as you may have noticed from the thousands of signed photographs of me that are even now nodding and smiling at you in a very disturbing way. Anyway, as I was saying, I am an extremely over-done, over-the-top character who thinks the world of himself. I will now bore you all with some of the more amazing things I have supposedly done in my life!

**Dean Thomas: **Cool fun. When does this lesson finish?

**Lockhart: **Now I'm going to make a total idiot out of myself and release a load of live pixies into the room that I don't have the faintest idea of how to handle!

IN THE CORRIDOR

**Lockhart: **HARRY! Let me soak up some more of your fame! Here, look, I'll even embarrass you in front of the whole school!

**Colin Creevey: **Hiya Harry!

**Mudbloods**** and Murmurs**

****

Ah, the chapter when Harry really does go insane. Not really. Moving right along, Harry goes to training one eventful afternoon, when…

**Malfoy****: Hey, _Potter._**

**Harry: **Hey_ Malfoy, why do you always pronounce my name in italics?_

**Malfoy****: *flushes* Anyway………MUDBLOOD! Hhhhhhhaaahahahahah *stuffs fist into mouth to keep from laughing* hahahhhhaaaa *chokes***

**Everyone: ***stares at him in puzzlement*

**Harry: **Who's a mudblood?

**Malfoy****: Gosh darn it. I meant Granger. I meant to point at Granger and say 'mudblood', ok?**

**Harry: **Oh, well in that case……

**Ron: ***attempts to curse Malfoy, then starts to belch slugs*

**Harry: **Another day in the life of Harry Potter. What _fun!_

**The Deathday Party **

****

All one really needs to know here, is that this is the point when Harry starts to hear voices in his head and everyone thinks he's crazy.

**The writing on the wall, the Rogue Bludger and the Dueling club**

****

Are all pretty insignificant, save the fact that Harry has his usual spate of building-up-the-suspense near-death experiences, and finds out he is a parsel-tongue. It is important for one to note here that everyone except his friends Hate and Fear him starting from…….NOW

**Fred & George:** MAKE WAY, MAKE WAY, for the HEIR OF SLYTHERIN!

**Nervous Crowd: ***cowers*

**Harry: **Is this really necessary?

**Fred & George:  ***uncertain* Well, we thought it was funny…..

**Harry: **Hey, how come you guys dropped the accents?

**George: **He he, yeah, well…er….you see, we thought it was kinda annoying people...

**Fred: **Yeah, and we were kinda being bashed up by indistinct figures in long dark cloaks everywhere we went, so we decided it was for the best……

**George: **Besides, I'm not Rich George anymore. Blew all my money on that nice leather jacket I _really wanted. Worth it to, y'know._

**The Polyjuice Potion, and the _very secret diary_**

****

And so the term went on. Nobody noticed, least of all Percy the prefect, that Ginny's hiss was getting worse, but Hermione did have the bright idea of using the 'polyjuice' potion to find out if  Malfoy was the heir of Slytherin. Unfortunatly for her, she got turned into a cat, and Malfoy turned out not to be the villain. Anyway, one day Harry and Ron were loitering in the girl's toilets, as all good twelve-year-old boys do, when they came across a _very _secret diary…….

**Ron: **Hey, Harry, come look at this. Really top quality plumbing, this is! Don't get anything like this anymore…..

**Harry: **Ron, I've found a very secret diary!

**Ron: **No! Really? How d'you know it's so secret?

**Harry: **Because it's got nothing in it, you idiot! And I can deduce, by it's size and shape, that this Diary will write to me in a very spooky way, tell me that Hagrid is the heir, be proved wrong by the spiders of the forbidden forest, and then prove very useful when I get to the final confrontation at the climax of the story!

**Ron: **Oh, excellent, Harry. We hardly need Hermione at all. Does this mean we can skip the scene where we're nearly eaten by spiders?

**Harry: **Yep!

**Ron: **Phew! *mops brow*

**THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS  Da** da na dan dan daaaaaaaaaaa!

And, as the story goes, Harry, Ron and Hermione plodded on through several more pages until……………………………………………………………………………………

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…………….Hermione got paralysed by an unknown monster while Harry and Ron were enjoying themselves at the quiddich. Soon, though, with Harry's quit wit, and Ron's infallible power to make connections, they worked it all out……. 

**Harry: **Ron, this is it! The voices in my head……..the paralysation……..it all fits! Don't you see?

**Ron: **Er…….

**Harry: **The basilisk, Ron, the Basilisk. Think about it.

**Ron: **Um……..

**Harry: **RON! THE BASILISK IS IN THE PIPES AND ITS POPPING UP EVERWHERE TO KILL PEOPLE AND ITS COMING FROM THAT GIRL'S BATHROOM WE ALWAYS HANG AROUND IN!

**Ron: **Oh….

So, after hearing that Ginny was taken by the monster, they quickly rounded up the quite useless Professor Lockhart, and headed for the toilets…….

 **Harry: Lockhart, your coming with us…….or else!**

**Lockhart: **Are you threatening me, boy?

**Harry: **Yup!

**Lockhart:** Would you like an autograph?

So they went down into the hole, behind the toilet bowl

And slid down the slide, to where the bones abide

And most who went there died

(Except Harry Potter and co. of course, because their special)

At the bottom of the hole, they all looked around.

**Harry: **There's something wrong here………….

**Lockhart: **Well duh!

They then found the large snake skin.

**Harry: **Whoa, I'm experiencing de ja vu here!

**Ron: They've changed something!**

**Lockhart: Just remember, boys, there is no spoon!**

They turned around just in time to see Lockhart raise his wand and attempt to curse them into oblivion. As you know, the wand backfired, and so on and so forth. Harry, our gallant little protagonist, went on ahead to save Ginny.

IN THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS

**Harry: You!**

**Tom Riddle: Me!**

**Harry: Quick, we have to save Ginny!**

**Tom Riddle: Bit slow on the uptake, aren't you, _Potter._ I'm obviously the evil sorcerer who has artfully lured you here to do you in once and for all!**

**Harry: NOOOOOOO! HAAAAAAGRRRRRIIIIIIIDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!**

**Tom Riddle: What?**

**Harry: Oh, sorry, wrong scene.**

**The Heir of Slytherin**

****

**Tom Riddle: Anyway. In case you were wondering, and you probably were, what with you being the abysmal fool that you are, I am Lord Voldemort!**

**Harry: Oh, great. Here we go again…….**

And with that, Riddle/Voldemort set his giant snake on Harry, and they began to duel. Whipping out his machine gun, Harry first of all took out its eyes, then machined its head off. He then performed several ineffectual but very spectacular self-defence moves across the chamber. Riddle watched for several minutes, clapping appreciatively. In the meantime, Fawkes arrived and did his thing, and dropped a sword on Harry's head. With a small bow, Harry, slightly concussed accidentally plunged his arm onto the poisoned tooth of the dead Basilisk. But, as we all no, he was healed a few seconds later by the noble phoenix who had got him bit in the first place.

**Riddle: You just don't cark it quickly, do you? *sigh* oh, well, I'll just have kill you myself! **

**Harry: We're reaching the climax of our story, my evil friend, so I'm afraid that, as is only right and proper, _you will be the one to kick the bucket today!_**

**Riddle: argghhh….fiddlesticks. I really thought I had you that time…..ah well there's always next year, or the year after…..**

**Harry: *Plunges snake tooth into diary***

**Riddle: *begins to scream in agony, wreathed in the fires of hell* ARGHHH, you'll pay for this, Harry Potter!**

**Harry: Yeah, one of these days, maybe….**

**Riddle: Harry! *gasp* I am *cough* your *retch* father!**

**Harry: Really? I'm a Riddle? I can see the resemblance, actually. How odd, I always thought….**

**Riddle: No you idiot, I was *gasps for air* only joking! *is consumed by fiery chasm opening beneath his feet***

**Harry: Well, that's that sorted then *beams uncharacteristically***

**Ginny: Harry, you're my _hero!_**

**Harry: *still smiling* Oh, _excellent, you're hiss has gone!_**

**Ginny: *smiles up at him adoringly***

**Harry: *smile falters* And that does _not mean I like you that way!_**

IN DUMBLEDORE'S OFFICE

**Dumbledore: *smiles benignly* Well, boys, it looks like you've saved the day yet again!**

**Harry & Ron: Yay us!**

**Dumbledore: I will not ask you to recount the horrible details, and I am sure no one will ever  know the whole truth *smiles compassionately***

**Harry & Ron: But we want to tell the story…**

**Dumbledore: *a little more forcefully* I _said_ no one will ever no the whole truth. Now off you go. You can have fifty points each and keep your mouths shut. Have a good summer!**

**Harry: *looks at exasperated but knows better than to argue with the old fool* **

**Dumbledore: Bye Harry!**

**Harry: *Looks around the room to where Fawkes is perching* Hey, haven't I seen that bird somewhere around before?**

**Dumbledore: *too quickly* Ah, no I'm sure you haven't, Harry! *smiles kindly* probably just a hiccup in the Matrix, eh, Harry?  **

THE END


	3. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

I am the world

 Yet again, Hallo. Thankyou, reviewers! You are too kind. I know not wether I can make this funny. I'm running out of funnyness. We shall see…..

_Rising-angel_ – I am with you about the computer games. I suspect the reason my computer stuffs up so often is the massive overload of war-orientated games _my brother installs on it._

Anyway, to disclaim: I do not own anything you might recognize…

**HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN **

****

**Owl Post**

****

As has been mentioned elsewhere, many times in fact, Harry Potter was a very unusual boy. One would get the gist of it by now. In fact, one would probably start to take the word 'unusual' in a different way, a more negative way, perhaps. Anyway, Harry's summer holiday came off to a very exciting start!

**Harry:** I'm bored out of my brain!

**Dursleys: **We still hate you!

**Harry: **It's ma birthday!

**Hermione: **And you can do what you want to! I've sent you a card!

**Ron: **I, also, have sent you a parcel in the mail!

**Percy: **I'm head boy!

**George: **Rich George is rich again! Way to go, Dad!

**Aunt Marges BIG Mistake**

****

This title brings us to the culmination of the summer: the plight of one Marjorie Dursley. Harry still hadn't attended the classes organized for him by Hermione, and he was controlling his anger quite well given the circumstances. 

**The Dursleys: **Harry, you little creep, Aunt Marge is coming to stay. If you make one wrong move, even if Marge does everything short of murdering you with a pen-knife, there _will be trouble!_

**Harry: **Kill me now. Get it over with.

**Marge: **Like all the Dursleys, I am going to fail to have any flashes of human decency and mercilessly dig in to Harry until he cracks.

**Harry: **I'd be careful, if I were you. I have a very short fuse at the moment!

**Aunt Marge: **Heavens, boy, what do you take me for? I may have a moustache, but I'm not stupid. Your good for nothing father was, though……

**Harry: **Right. That's it. You're _gone._

And so, though Marge had been in the house for a total of four point three five minutes, Harry had already popped his top and blown her to high heaven. This is what happened:

**Harry: **I am about to blatantly break ministry rulings. Please watch carefully:

_*pulls out wand and causes Aunt Marge to blow to three million times her size and blow into a thousand pieces, scattering the living room with nice little bits of Aunt Marge*_

**Please note: this is a slight exaggeration of what really happened. One felt that this way of telling it would be more effective.**

**Harry: **Ah, that felt good. Who's next?

**The Knight Bus & The Leaky Cauldron**

Harry then ran, laughing manically, out of number four, Privet Drive, pushed aside an overly friendly, fanged black dog and hopped on the Knight Bus. There he met an annoying character called Stan Shunpike, you was a back-country yokel. A hope flickered in him as he realised that he might yet make it out of the country to pursue his new-found career in homicide. But no such luck. He was soon found by none other than Cornelius Fudge, minister for Magic……

**Corny**: Hi 'Arry, bin' lookin' fer yew _everywhere_. Everyfing alrigh' then?

I

**Harry: **Aww, hi Fudgey, how's things? Eh?

**Corny: **Yeah, yew know, 'ere and there, if yer know wat I mean…… Anyway, yew gave me a real scare, blowin' up yore Aunt an' all?

**Harry: **Aww yeah, that. Hey, Fudgey, shouldn' yew be expellin' me from 'ogwarts?

**Corny: **Yeah, I prob'bly should, y'know, but yore 'Arry Potter, aintcha? So that's alright then? Ain't it?

**Harry: **Um….ok… I'm not complainin'. Oh, an' why're we talkin' like yokels?

**Corny: **I was just tryna make you feel more comfortable like, seein' as yew was talkin' to the likes o me an' all. More familiar, y'know.

**Harry: **Oh, right. Well, I'll be seein' yew around, then?

SOME TIME LATER IN THE LEAKY CAULDRON

**Harry: **Hi Ron, Hermione. Had a nice _summer _did you? Didn't blow up any _aunts _I hope?

**Hermione & Ron: **What the hell are you talking about?

**Harry: **I don't know, actually…I feeling a bit woozy, maybe I'll lie down…no! Wait, I've something to tell you!

**Ron:** What is it this time? A twinge in your toe? A vision of your imminent death?

**Harry: **No, no, I just heard you're parents say that there's a psychotic killer who isn't Voldemort out to get me!

**Ron: **Oh great, another year of excitement and fear. You really know who to anger, don't you Harry?

**The Dementor, Talons, and Tealeaves, of course**

****

ON THE TRAIN

Harry, Hermione, Ron, Fred, George, Percy, Ginny, and every other bloody kid in the school got on the Hogwarts express and had _fun. Malfoy came to visit Harry in his compartment to have their usual start-of-term just-to-get-them-started insult session._

**Malfoy****: I am again going to establish myself as a particularly nasty character. I doubt very much wether there are any other thirteen-year-olds like myself, who are completely evil with no feelings whatsoever, in this world today.**

**Harry: **Hi Malfoy, how's things? Did you're mother finally tell you're father she cheated on him with a baboon?

**Malfoy****: Oh, that really was quite weak, Potter. You seem to be getting even more pathetic every time I see you. I don't think I'll waste anymore of my time with you. *leaves***

**Harry: **well, I think that went rather well, hey guys?

STILL ON THE TRAIN

**Everyone: **Oh. Dear. The lights went out.

**Train: **Poop! Poop! *stops* I have ceased to be a very useful engine! *sob*

**Dementor****: *stands spookily in the compartment doorway* If I could speak, I would say something scary, like 'Potter, the time has come', make a beeline for Potter, and kiss him for all he's worth. But, seeing as I can't, I'll just make a beeline for Potter and kiss him for all he's worth.**

**Harry: **I'm finally showing my true colours. I was never really brave.

**Dementor****: *makes a beeline for Harry***

**Harry: **Leaping Lizards! I'm scared as scared!

**Lupin: ***saves the day and gives everyone some freakish chocolate*

**Harry: **I'm high as a kite!

IN SCHOOL

**Dumbledore: **I've got a bad feeling about these soul-sucking, semi-evil entities hanging around the school buildings, but I may as well let Fudgey have his way. I mean, it'll give Potter some more things to worry about, won't it? And that's what we all want, isn't it? Wink wink, nudge nudge?

**Trelawney: **You're going to _die, _Potter.

**Harry: **Now you sound like Malfoy.

**McGonagall: **You're _not_ going to die, Potter.

**Harry: **Gee, thanks.

**Malfoy****: *is mauled by a hippogriff***

**Harry: **It's all fun and games here at Hogwarts! Come, join us!

**A Collection of Chapters One cannot be bothered to type out headings for**

****

Once Harry had overcome his usual start-of-term depression, he really got into the swing of things. He got harassed by Malfoy, Bullied by Snape, lied to by Hermione, and subjected to his worst fear by Lupin. Lupin also dropped several obvious hints about his being a werewolf. No one clicked. All in all, it was a good couple of days. Quiddich practice was really fun.

**Oliver Wood: **If we don't win this Quiddich Tournament, I am personally going to hunt you down and kill you. Every single one of you. Got it?

**Rest of Team: **Got it.

Then, when Harry had finally got some things sorted, the Fat Lady got attacked.

**Fat Lady: **Oh. My. For plot purposes, Sirius Black the psychotic killer who has anger management problems similar to his God son's but actually has a heart of gold, is now attempting to knife me to death.

**Black: **That's right, fatso.

IN CLASS:

**Lupin: **By not being here I'm giving you all another _massive_ clue that I'm a – 

**Snape****: Shutup, Lupin, I'm the one giving the clues around here. Class, Lupin is obviously a werewolf, but you are all (except Granger and she doesn't count) too thick headed to work it out. Even now you cannot grasp what I am telling you!**

**Lupin: **You just want the Defence Against the Dark Arts job!

**Snape****: And so what if I do?**

**Lupin: **Well, it's mine, so just _back off!_

After this, Harry played his first Quiddich Match of the season, and they lost. Ooooh, how _embarrassing for Gryffindor! They lost against those _stupid _Hufflepuffs! Not so cocky now are they? Harry also had another near-death experience, but nobody thought that was very important, especially Oliver Wood, the sore loser. The game went like this:_

**Weather: **Ooo, this is going to be _juicy!****_

****

**Wood: **I can't bear to watch!

**Gryffindor Team: **We can't see a thing!

**Hufflepuff**** Team: We can! Don't know why! See, we're not as _stupid_ as you make out, are we? No, once we're winning it's all on even ground, isn't it? You _snivelling cowards – _**

**Diggory****: I've seen the snitch!**

**Potter: **Ack, the jealousy of you're good looks and perfect physique is powering me on to greater heights!

**Diggory****: Why Potter, didn't see you there. Here, after you, after you. Perfect gentleman, aren't I?**

**Dementors****: We are here to suck your souls!**

**Potter:** Ack, my worst fear! Oh, and there's a grim over there as well!

**Dementors****: Come to us, little children; let us feast on your spiritual innards!**

**Potter: **Can't *gasp* move *gasp* paralysed with fear *scream* argh! Hearing dead parents pleading for their lives *gasp* can't hold on much longer…….

**Crowd: ***Waits with bated breath*

**Potter: ***Falls fifty feet and sprawls on the muddy ground below*

**Everyone: ***thinks he's dead but are sadly mistaken*

**Dumbledore: **Oh, my Golly Gosh!

**Wood: **Ah, the shame! Beaten by _Hufflepuffs__!I shall have to drown myself!_

**The Marauder's Map**

****

And the term went on, and Harry told Ron and Hermione about the happy little omen of death that kept appearing in his life. Hermione was above being superstitious, but Ron, being the better friend, assured Harry that it was all too real, and that he would, ultimately, die. To make Harry feel better and to give him a chance to break more school rules, Fred and George gave him a rather interesting little map which offered more cryptic clues about the werewolfship of Professor Lupin……..

**Fred: **Heeeeey, Harry!

**George: **How you going, Mate?

**Fred: **Yeah, how's things?

**George: **How are you little blokes coping, eh?

**Harry: **Could you please just get to the point?

**Fred:** Fine, fine, we just wanted to give you this highly useful scrap of paper that no one in their right minds would want to the throw away!

**Harry: **Are you saying you're crazy or on drugs?

**George: **No, no, plot purposes, you see. You _need _that map.

**Harry: **Oh, ok then. See ya!

**Fred & George: ***Disappear into a puff of purple smoke*

**Harry: ***wakes up from purple-smoke induced slumber and proceeds to use the marauder's map to go to Hogsmeade, against all reason of course. On arriving in Hogsmeade he finds out that this year's murderous psychotic killer is in fact his own God father. He welcomes the change*

**The Firebolt**

****

In this chapter Harry receives a disgustingly expensive broomstick for Christmas from an unknown and possibly malevolent benefactor. Against all rational argument, he wishes to keep the broom, but sensible Professor McGonagall is tipped of by Hermione in one of her it's-for-your-own-good moods, and proceeds to confiscate it.

**The Patronus, and Gryffindor versus Ravenclaw**

****

This is the part where our were-wolf friend decides to give Harry a way to fend off the dementors. There is much weeping and gnashing of teeth. Harry continues to hear the voices of dead people in his head, and just when the dream team looks like it's going to get back together again, Crookshanks supposedly eats Scabbers.

AT THE GAME

**Wood: Ah, we finally have some _real competition._**

**Diggory****: Hey – **

**Ravenclaw**** team: We are so great, we are so smart, and we have Cho Chang, Harry's future crush! Goooooooooooooo TEAM!**

**Harry: I'VE SEEN THE SNITCH!!!!**

**Wood: THEN GO GET IT, YOU IDIOT!!**

**Chang: Hey, Harry, *flutters eyelashes* there's some _dementors_ down there!**

**Potter: _What??!! Not, __dementors_!_ _**

**Malfoy/Dementor****: Oh, yes, _Potter, it's your worst fear!_**

**Potter: Oh, it's only Malfoy. I'd know that italic-laced voice anywhere. _Expecto__ Patronum!_**

**Malfoy/Crabbe/Goyle/Dementor****: *fall into a struggling heap in the sand***

**Potter: *catches snitch* I am _so good, I am __so good…_**

**Wood: Excellent work, team, looks like you're lives will be spared until after the next big game!**

IN THE COMMON ROOM

**Fred & George: Whoooo hoooo! Lets paarrrrtay!**

**Lee Jorden: Oh, yeah!**

**All Gryffindor's except Hermione (she doesn't count): Oh, yeaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!**

**Fred & George: *crack open some firewhisky and begin to scull***

**Everyone else: *follow their example***

**Harry: Hey, evershybody, wantsh shome eccies?**

**Hermione: Drugs aren't the answer, Harry!**

**Geord**** & Frouge: Ah, shutsh sha hole, 'ermioshi! Bring on the biscuits!**

And so it went on. Parvati Patil and Neville were soon pashing in the broom-cupboard, Seamus was popping pills like there was no tomorrow, and Professor McGonagall had arrived somewhere in the proceedings to tell them off, but had been waylaid by Fred and George…..

**McGonagall: Ish thinksh I'msh going to regret thish!**

**Harry: Me too. But what sha hell? You only live oncesh!**

By two in the morning, the party had really got started. Everyone was wide-eyed and slightly hysterical. Fred was jumping to the rooftops at small noises, George was dancing really really fast with Angelina Johnson, Ron was craving custard creams, Dean Thomas was talking very fast about drawing to anyone who would listen, Neville and Pavarti hadn't been seen for at least two hours, and Harry running around the room cursing people at random. At about three o'clock, the party reached a new stage. People lay about the common room moaning and groaning. Basically, they were stoned to the eyeballs. So, as one can see, none of the Gryffindors were in any state to be surprised when there was a knock at the door……..

**Fred: (being the only one in a fit state to stand) *Opens door* 'ello ello ello, what 'ave we got here then?**

**Black: *draws knife* Let me in or I'll kill you.**

**Fred: Now, now, no need to get in a tiz! Come in an join us, then!**

**Black: What? Oh…drugs…I see…hasn't changed a bit *stares into the distance reminiscently* Anyway, yes, I will come in!**

**Fred: HEY EVERYONE! It's Black!**

**Everyone: *dully* hi Black!**

**Hermione: *screams and faints***

**Black: Um….ok then. Well, I'll just be going up to Harry's dormitory, alright?**

**McGonagall: *regains consciousness* Oh, yes. Off you go then… *loses consciousness again***

**Black: *goes and wrecks Harry's dormitory for reasons not given here and then disappears from the castle without a trace***

**Gryffindors****: *Wake up the next morning with severe hang-overs and harrowing memories of the night before***

 **The Next Few Chapters**

****

**Ron: So, now you're in mortal fear for your life, what are you going to fill you're spare minutes with before the big Quiddich game?**

**Harry: Oh, you know, I think I'll break a few rules, go against the very people who are staying up all night trying to protect me…..**

**Ron: Cool. You better not tell our little friend Herwhiney, though.**

Harry then lived up to his fat head and went to Hogsmeade. There, his head was so inflated that Malfoy saw even with the invisibly cloak on! Then Snape found out and tried, but again failed, to expel Harry. Lupin the werewolf saved him yet again, and tried to the message about death and such across to Harry. The effect was ruined when he told Harry to take Sirius seriously.

THE QUIDDI CH FINAL

**Hermione: I'm going to get off my high horse now, because Hagrid's vicious monster is going to be executed, and we have to save it!!!**

**Ron & Harry: Why?**

**Hermione: Because, it mauled Malfoy, stupid!**

**Ron & Harry: Oh, right…..well its all for one and one for all now, right?**

**Hermione: Oh, Harry, Ron, I love you guys!**

And they all put their arms around each other's shoulders and skipped off to t he quiddich final looking suspiciously like members of the Saddle Club.

AT THE GAME

**Wood: This is it, guys, gals, this is it. Just remember, if you lose, I kill you! So don't lose, and go get 'em!**

**Harry: Wins game for him.**

**Wood: YEEESSSSSSSSS! **

And then there is much inappropriate weeping on everyone's part. In the background sits a black dog with a goofy look of pride on his face.

**Wood: *is still crying* Oh, Harry!**

**Malfoy****: Oh, boo-frickety-hoo, Gryfindors are such –**

**Everyone: Just Shut up, Malfoy! They won, ok? Just get _over it!_**

**The chapters up until….well….somewhere, anyway…**

****

 A brief and to the point summary is needed here. It was like this: Harry went innocently along to his Divination exam, believed the old nutcase's prediction and decided to play the little hero. It is important for one to note that Scabbers had been discovered alive in Hagrid's hut. Our three heroes had made it to the whomping willow, which Harry quite stupidly left his invisibility cloak under. Ron then got mauled by the big black dog that kept popping up in Harry's life. He was dragged away kicking and screaming. They found him, and the black dog with the goofy grin, in an old broken down shack in the middle of no-where. Harry attacked the dog, which had turned into Sirius Black……..

**Harry: You!**

**Black: ME! Muhaahahahahahah!**

**Harry: Little do you know that this is the climax of the story, where I kill the evil sorcerer, or at least cast him out to live as a small woodland animal, so be warned!**

**Black: Yeah, that's what _usually happens, and what could well happen in the next few minutes, but I'm not the evil sorcerer!_**

**Harry: Then why were you laughing evilly then? And if _your _not the evil sorcerer, then who is?**

**Black: Well, to answer to your first question, it has something to do with not seeing the light of day for twelve years. Anyway, *stands up and attempts to look like the host of some sick gameshow* And the _real evil sorcerer is…..*pauses for dramatic effect*……..the small woodland animal in your friend Ron's pocket!_**

**Harry: What the – **

**Lupin: Never fear, I am here! I can explain everything!**

**Harry: Don't worry about it. We already know. Scabbers is the _real _psychotic killer.**

**Lupin: Oh, well….. I'm really a werewolf! Bet you didn't know that!**

**Harry: Actually, we did. It was kind of obvious.**

**Lupin: Oh. Well then. I'm superfluous. *sob* shall we go? **

**Others: Yep.**

**Lupin: Oh, wait, I did do something useful. I caught Snape sneaking up on you! He's tied up in that cupboard over there!**

**Others: *fail to look impressed* **

 **The Dementor's kiss and other tales….**

****

So, in the end, it was all Lupin's fault that the plan didn't work. He went and changed into a werewolf at exactly the wrong moment. This set of a chain of events too irksome to relate here. All one really needs to know is that, the psychotic sorcerer, disguised as a small woodland animal, escaped into the night. Lupin, having thrown off his disguise, also escaped into the night. Ron became unconscious for the rest of the proceedings. Sirius bounded away to meet the advancing Dementors and also became unconscious. Hermione and Harry acted similarly. They woke up in the good old hospital wing to find their work cut out for them…….

**Dumbledore: Good, you're awake. Sirius is about to be…er…well never mind, but this is what you have to do: Use Hermione's secret time turner that has conveniently been hinted at throughout the book, and go back in time to stop Hagrid's vicious monster from being executed, then rescue Sirius and sent him away riding on the monster. You may not have picked up on it, but he quite a nice guy, just a little tormented in mind and body. Now, I'll deal with Lupin and Fudgey, you deal with Sirius and Buckbeak. Got it?**

**Harry & Hermione: Sir, yes sir!**

They then did as he bid

And in the forest they hid

Till sunset was nigh,

And up they did fly

To rescued on high

Siri, who did wait

For a particular fate,

Worse than death.

And Harry and Hermione watched as Sirius rode his depraved young beast into the sunset, and they knew, with a pang in their hearts, that they wouldn't be seeing that brave man for a very long time.

A moment to truly share in their grief. Anyway ………..

**Owl Post Again **

****

When Harry and Hermione got back, they were met with a benign smile from Dumbledore, an expression of deranged fury from Snape,  a look of quiet bewilderment from Fudge, a thumbs-up from Ron, and a  disapproving glare from Madam Pomfrey. And soon, as always happens at the end of Harry's adventures, Harry was packing off back to the Dursleys for another long summer of humiliation and ridicule. He sat chugging along happily on the train, reading letters from his infamous God Father, and generally having fun. The train meandered slowly though the hills of England, getting smaller and smaller until it disappeared with a twinkle of sun on steel.

And so, our adventure has finally drawn to a close, and we leave behind our lovable characters until, in another time and another place, we will pick up the next book in the series and read the further adventures of ……….Harry J Potter.

THE END


End file.
